The Teresian Charism

Just yesterday I was asked: What do you mean by the ‘Teresian Charism’? This is exactly the question that someone would ask if he or she were contemplating the possibility of entering the secular branch of Carmel and wondering what exactly is the purpose of this vocation and what is its aim. And this would be a logical question, for the Second Vatican Council told us clearly that all Christians are called to the fullness of charity and to the fullness of perfection in Christian life. If that be so, what more can one aspire to?

Considering what is meant by the charism of Saint Teresa of Jesus, the foundress of the Discalced Carmelites, I think the following distinctions need to be made:

1.     First of all, in biblical language, a charism is a special gift given by the Holy Spirit for the sake of building up the Body of Christ, which is the Church. Hence, when we think of the charism given to Saint Teresa, we are not thinking of the charm and vivaciousness that were outstanding parts of Teresa’s character and made her so appealing and attractive to people. This is a natural part of her personality, and few people have been more blessed in this sense of the term. On the contrary, when we use the term “the Teresian charism”, we mean those special gifts and blessings that God bestowed upon Teresa for the good of the Carmelite Order and, even more so, for the good of the Church.

2.    Special mission and vocation: God awakened Teresa to the very special vocation and mission to live the life of contemplative prayer for the greater honor and glory of God, for the salvation of souls, and for the good of the Church. She always claimed that she wanted to live the Gospel in such a way that her Order would grow closer to Christ and imitate Him in every way, but, above all, to imitate His prayerful life of union with the Father. --- The Second Vatican Council told us that “the first rule” of every religious order must be the Gospel lived in its fullness. But it also acknowledged that each religious family in the Church will be distinguished by its attempt to imitate a special feature of the life of Christ. No order and no person can fully imitate all the features of the mystery of Christ. Thus, Franciscans strive to imitate more closely the poor Christ; Dominicans especially love the preaching Christ. Where do the Carmelites come in? What aspect of the life of Christ do we strive to live more fully? Following the gift the Holy Spirit bestowed on Saint Teresa of Jesus, Carmelites feel drawn to staying close to and imitating the praying Christ of the Gospels. This is our special mission and our special vocation in the Church.

3.    To be more specific and spell out the Teresian charism more carefully, the Rule of St. Albert, the Constitutions and the Statues for the secular members of the Order of Carmel are clear and helpful. It reminds the members that the Teresian charism is made up of the ideal for the life of the Order, and the special graces bestowed on the Order, which are embodied in the spiritual heritage of the Order. Since the members must live the Teresian charism, these points are all important.

To elaborate on each one:

The Ideal of the Order: The Order of Discalced Carmelites of Our Lady of Mount Carmel is part of the mystical body of Christ. By choosing the Blessed Virgin Mary as the mother and patroness of our Order, Carmelites place their whole life under her protection. We take the mystery of her interior life and her union with Christ as our ideal of interior consecration.

Besides the Blessed Virgin, we venerate Saint Joseph as the model of attentive service to Christ, to Mary, and to the Church, as well as the “master of prayer” Saint Teresa recommended to us.

Similarly, we esteem the venerable biblical figure, the Prophet Elijah, contemplating the living God and burning with zeal for His glory. Elijah lived on Mount Carmel and is the inspirer of the Order of Carmel because he lived and bore witness to the presence and power of the living God.

Graces of the Order. Each religious order is a gift of the Holy Spirit to the Church, and each attempts to live a special feature of the Gospel. We gain a fuller understanding of the vocation of Carmel when we consider the graces given to Saint Teresa. Her life and spiritual experiences were so ordained by God that she became our teacher and the model of our life. Teresa reoriented the life of Carmel toward prayer and contemplation of divine things in a spirit of fidelity to the Gospel. Disturbed by the harm that was being done to the Church and to the priesthood and by the breaches in the unity of the Church, Teresa decided to dedicate her whole life to leading the Order to dedicate its life entirely to the glory of God and the good of the Church, especially of priests and the theologians who work for the good of the Church.

Teresa was aided by Saint John of the Cross, who clearly expressed the spirit of Carmel by his life, achievements and doctrine. Both Teresa and John of the Cross have been officially declared Doctors of the Universal Church as a sign that the contemplative vocation is the most universal and fruitful for the good of the Church (Pius XI). In addition, the Church is blessed with two other canonized saints: St. Teresa Margaret of Florence and St. Thérèse of Lisieux, “the Little Flower”, and St. Teresa Benedicta (Edith Stein).

Heritage of Carmel: The heritage of Carmel is made up of the living traditions that have come down from the time of Saint Teresa and even beyond. It is the living charism of Saint Teresa and is found chiefly enshrined in her life and writings, and has been expounded in a wonderful way in the life of Saint John of the Cross and in his mystical writings. In our own century, three members of Carmel have been raised to the honors of the altar by canonization. The saintly Teresa Margaret, whose life was hidden with Christ in God, was a perfect reflection of the Teresian charism. The more popular Carmelite, St. Therese of the Child Jesus and the Holy Face, was canonized and her autobiography, the Story of a Soul, has helped millions of people, and St. Teresa Benedicta.

One of the great blessings of the religious orders is that they have marvelous traditions of holiness that are enshrined in the spiritual writings of their saints. Since these have been approved by the Church and have stood the test of time, we know that we are safe in following them and that they will lead us to Christian perfection.

The Principal Elements of Our Life

All Carmelites must live in “allegiance to Jesus Christ” and follow in His footsteps. Teresa always told us that because in the world there are so many enemies of Christ and He has so few friends, at least those of us who live this life must strive to be His tried and true friends. This is central to our life. We are an Order founded in honor of Mary, and we know that she was the perfect follower of Christ, the one who loved Him most perfectly and received and lived His teaching more than any other.

The way we strive for union with God is by a way of life in which prayer and the fostering of contemplation are very closely allied. By virtue of our vocation, we are called to prayer, which leads us to filial and friendly conversation with God as a way of life rather than merely in formal times of meditation. We strive to be a witness to the world of the transcendent values of the Gospel, and especially of prayer as it was taught by Christ. Saint Teresa did not only love the words of Christ concerning prayer, but above all, she loved to stay close to the praying Christ. Her favorite scene was that of Christ praying alone to the Father in the garden before His death.

Teresian Secular Communities Today

So far I have tried to explain the Carmelite life to you as well as I can, basing it on the legislation of the Order. You will say to me, all that is well and good, but my question is what is the value of joining such a secular Carmelite community? What would it do for me? How would it help improve my life?

One is called to become a secular member of a religious order only if one has been blessed by God with a vocation. “You have not chosen Me, but I have chosen you,” we read in John’s Gospel. And those few words tell us what a true spiritual vocation is --- it is a gift of God. If you are called by God, He will give you all the graces and helps needed to live that vocation.

If one has a true vocation, it must be tested for several years before one may make a life-long commitment by the Promises to live according to the evangelical perfections of the Gospel. But one of the advantages of life in a secular branch of the Order is that the members have the Rule of St. Albert, the Constitutions and the Statues which have been approved by the highest authority of the Order of Carmel and also by the Holy See. This guarantees that this legislation fully reflects the traditions and charisms of St. Teresa and that it can lead one to the fullness of the life that the Church expects of the sons and daughters of Our Lady of Mount Carmel.

The members wear no distinctive garb, but they all wear the scapular of Our Lady of Mount Carmel. The scapular is a sign of our consecration to Mary and that we strive in our daily lives to reflect her virtues in our lives for the good of the Church.

The Secular Constitutions also assures the members of a regular life and of fidelity to the spirit of the Order. Many people today want to live a spiritual life, but often find that they do not know how to organize their lives in a regular way. The Rule of St. Albert, the Constitutions and the Statues help create a setting of constancy of purpose and of disciplined, orderly living. They are a protection against inconstancy and haphazardness, and assist one’s concentration on the goal of prayerful union with God. It also helps the members to “carry into the world the distinctive Carmelite witness to be those who stand for God and for His holiness in this life and who are pledged to a daily life of prayer for the spreading of the kingdom of God.”

In the present distress of the modern world, it is a blessing to be able to get together with others who have the same faith and who believe in the primacy of union with God and the out-standing excellence of a life of contemplative prayer. One strength of the religious orders is that people with the same ideals are able to get together and support one another.

One of the greatest privileges of being a member of the Order of Carmel is knowing that we belong to an Order that has been raised up by God to emphasize the life of the praying Christ and to try to live this mystery of His life. It does not take much imagination to reflect on the evils that are afflicting the world and, at the same time, to reflect on how the world could be improved if people would take time out each day to contemplate the life of Christ and strive to be transformed by His light and love.

Members of an Order are inspired by knowing that they belong to a worldwide Order; that they are struggling in all countries to make this a better world and to bring all to the light and love of the Gospel. And it is also a great source of assurance to know that the other members of the Order are pouring out their hearts to God on our behalf each day.

Praying With All Our Heart

If one contemplates entering the Order of Carmel, it is important to weigh carefully what you will receive and what you are expected to give. I have already outlined the advantages of what you will receive. Now I want to stress what you must be prepared to do:

Give Your Life to God. You may wonder if that will take you away from your family, your loved ones, your efforts to work for the betterment of this world. No, this vocation will not interfere with that, for since this is what God wants of those whose vocation is to live in the world, the living of the Rule of St. Albert, the Constitutions and the Statues of the secular Carmelites can only strengthen you in your obligations. We are told that “our determined efforts to conform our lives to the challenges of our charism, while gradually extinguishing our egotism and selfishness, will bring us to the freedom of the children of God which is found in the fullness of love.”

There is an old saying of golfers that one hears on the tour: “No guts, no glory!” Christ phrased it differently when He asked us to deny ourselves and take up our crosses daily and follow Him. But this is the way that leads to divine glory.

In an Order, we are expected to live and to love. True love means to love without counting the cost. So when we are expected to pray for the good of the other members of the Order, for the good of the mission of the Order and for the needs of the Church, we are expected to pray for these intentions with all our heart. Thomas Merton gave his last sermon on prayer in India. There he told his audience that one never knows what prayer is truly all about until one prays as though he were praying with his back right up against a wall, as though his very life depended on it, or as though he needed to pray for fear that he would go down for the last time. If you pray for those intentions in that way, there can be little doubt that your Carmelite life will be truly worthwhile and glorious.

One final point: In our prayers as Carmelites, we need to pray not only to Mary but also with her. Father Frederick Jelly, O.P., in a meeting of the Catholic Mariological Society of America, made the point that the Scriptures do not primarily stress that we pray to the Mother of God and to the saints for favors. They encourage this, it is true. But what they stress more than anything else is that we pray with Mary and with the saints to God. Did you ever notice in the Mass that we are told that we have been gathered together as one in Christ by the power of the Holy Spirit and that we pray to God with Mary, the Mother of God; with Joseph, her husband; and with all the angels and saints. This tells us so much about the beauty and the power of a life of prayer in the Order. We are always aware that she is the mother and the queen of the Order of Carmel. We know that in praying in this way and in living our life in imitation of her, we are merely carrying out her orders in the Gospel when she said, “Do whatever He tells you to do.” When the servants did what Mary told them to do, Jesus multiplied the wine and the water. When we pray with her, organize our life so that it has the beauty and strength of her life, we know that Christ will multiply His graces and blessings in our lives and in the lives of our families, and that we will be instrumental in helping the Church and the world today.

Teresa knew that if we live this program of life, we will be following Christ perfectly and living in imitation of Mary, the mother of the Order, for the good of the whole Church and of all mankind.

Michael D. Griffin O.C.D.

 

Discussion points for the Teresian Charism:

What is a charism?

What is the first rule of every religious order? Why?

What aspect of the life of Christ do Carmelites try to live most fully? What are some ways we try to do this?

What is the ideal of the Order? Which saints are particularly ours?

What are the major graces given to Teresa and, through her, to us?

What are the principal elements of the life of a lay Carmelite? What is a vocation?

Why must I wear the scapular? Why can't I wear a real habit?

What does the Admission to Formation liturgy say about the Carmelite spirit?

Saint Teresa and the Vocation to a Life of Prayer...

 

 

Prayer is at the heart of the Carmelite vocation. When people think of Carmel, the very first thing that comes to their minds is an Order that is devoted to prayer and penance for the good of the Church.

Prayer is fundamental and essential to the vocation of Carmel because we have been so taught by Saint Teresa who was, in the words of Pope Paul VI, “the reformer and foundress of an historical and eminent religious order, a prolific writer of great genius, a teacher of the spiritual life, and an incomparable contemplative who was tirelessly active.”

When Pope Paul VI conferred or rather, as he himself said, “acknowledged St. Teresa of Jesus' title of Doctor of the Church,” he spelled out in clear words the secret of her greatness as a saint and as a teacher. I think the words of the great Pontiff on the occasion of her being declared a Doctor of the Universal Church are so important that I would like to repeat them fully. In this way you will be able to see the role she enjoys as a teacher of the ways of prayer. These are the Pope’s words:

Teresa’s doctrine speaks of these secrets, which are the secrets of prayer. This is her doctrine. She had the privilege and merit of knowing these secrets through experience. That experience was lived in the holiness of a life consecrated to contemplation and simultaneously committed to action. It was an experience that was suffered and at the same time enjoyed, in the pouring out of unusual spiritual charisms.

Teresa possessed the art of expounding these same secrets, to such a degree as to place her among the great spiritual teachers. It is not in vain that the saint’s statue, which is here in this basilica because she was a foundress, bears an inscription that describes her very well: Mater Spiritualium.

St. Teresa’s prerogative of being a mother, a teacher of spiritual persons, had already been acknowledged-we might say by unanimous accord. She was a mother who was full of entrancing simplicity, a teacher who was full of marvelous depths.

The tribute of the tradition of the saints, of theologians, of the faithful and the learned, was already assured her. Now We have confirmed it. We have taken care to see that, having been adorned with this magisterial title, she may have a more authoritative mission to perform in her religious family, in the praying Church and in the world, through her perennial, ever-present message--the message of prayer.

This is the light which is today rendered more lively and penetrating, and is reflected over us by the title of Doctor just now conferred on St. Teresa--the message of prayer! It comes to us children of the Church at a time marked by a great effort at reform and renewal of liturgical prayer. It comes to us who are tempted by the great noise and great business of the outside world to yield to the frenzy of modern life and to lose the real treasures of our souls in the effort to win earth’s seductive treasures.

It comes to us children of our time just when we are losing not only the habit of conversation with God, but also the sense of the need and duty to worship and call on Him. The message of prayer comes to us as song and music of the spirit, which is imbued with grace and open to the conversation of faith, hope, and charity. At the same time, psychoanalytical exploration is breaking down that frail and complicated instrument that we are, in such a way that all that can be heard is not the sound of mankind in its suffering and its redemption, but rather the troubled mutterings of man’s animal subconscious, the cries of his disordered passions and of his desperate anguish.

The wise Teresa’s sublime and simple message of prayer exhorts us to understand “the great good which God does to a soul when He disposes it to practice mental prayer with desire ... because in my opinion mental prayer is nothing else but a friendly way of dealing, in which we often find ourselves talking, in private, with Him who we know loves us” (Life, 8, 4-5). This is, in summary, the message to us from St. Teresa of Jesus, Doctor of the Church. Let us listen to it and make it our own.

Problem Today - People do not pray as much as they used to, said Pope Paul VI, and they have more problems in this area of life. In fact, many people now claim that they do not need to pray that much, for they are united with Christ and hence all that they do is done prayerfully. What better thing can one do than to be charitable to one’s neighbor? Hence if we live to help others and to do good for them, we do not need to engage in formal prayer. That in itself is prayer and the fulfillment of the demands of the Gospel.

I have to admit that this is a strong argument. But I wonder what Saint Teresa would make of all this? What would she say? In reading her works I know exactly what she would say to all of this. She would say that she strongly disagrees with this line of thinking, that it is just the opposite of her own personal experience. She would especially disagree because for her prayer was a way of seeking Christ, of growing in friendship with Christ and of keeping Him company. Obviously, she would agree on the importance of doing good to others, and of living the precept of charity toward our neighbor as we have been taught. But Teresa, from her own experience, would insist that prayer is a direct way of seeking Christ, of cultivating our friendship with Him and of developing our companionship with Him.

Teresa spent much time in prayer and was aware that prayer had brought her to a state that she was more directly aware of Christ, of what He had suffered for her and of His love for her. She knew that we were made for interpersonal communion with God, we were made, in the words of the Second Vatican Council, to be aware of His love for us, and we are summoned to reciprocate His love. For Teresa, “prayer is nothing more than a friendly conversation with the God by whom we know we are loved” [Life, 8,4-5]. The love of God comes first, and before all else we must respond to His love and take our delight and express our gratitude to Him for this love. Then, we must reach out to our neighbor. But if we do not find God first, we will not and cannot find God in our neighbor.

Companionship With Christ - The secret of Teresa in teaching us about prayer is that she is able to lead us to create the right kind of atmosphere for ourselves so that we can truly pray. Teresa reminds us that as we seek to be alone to pray properly, that we need Someone to be with us. What better companion than Christ who taught us how to pray the “Our Father”? She says that if we look to Him, consider how much He loves us and that He taught us the Our Father, we are bound to succeed in prayer. If you can stay close to Christ, strive to develop a companionship with Him in prayer, you will be all right. Teresa would have us meditate on the various scenes of the Gospel, for she found that what is in the Gospel is more precious than anything else that has ever been written. She also knew that in meditating on the Gospel, the truths contained therein will carry over into life. When I begin to image for myself the scenes of the Gospel, scenes that tell me of the divine love, they will affect and change my life, bringing into it a divine way of thinking and of acting.

And that brings me to the point that Teresa loved to stress. The purpose of prayer, for Teresa “is not to think much, but to love much.” It is love that changes us! It changes us from our ordinary way of thinking and loving, and makes us appreciate more the love that God has for us. It also makes us want to reciprocate God’s love.

For example, when I meditate on the scene in Matthew’s Gospel of Christ walking on the water toward Saint Peter in order to calm his fears and doubts, I am reflecting on a powerful scene. I can easily see myself in this picture, and I can see that often I am filled with spiritual fears and doubts. Furthermore, I can see myself, like Peter, in need of the presence of the Lord and of His personal love for me. Another point: I can see that often it has happened in my life that when I take my eyes off Christ and just feel sorry for myself and consider my own misery, I begin to sink beneath the waves, I just get deeper into my own misery. But what a difference when I keep my eyes fixed on Christ, when I look to Him for my salvation. Then I know that Christ is the most wonderful friend in my life, then I see that with Him I can do all things and that, without Him, I can do nothing but sink back into my own powerlessness.

Scenes That Teresa Liked - Most willingly does Teresa share her experiences with us. And when speaking of prayer, she tells us that the scenes of the Gospel that she liked most to meditate upon are the scenes where Christ is alone and in need of human companionship. Examples of this are the times when the Lord prayed alone in the garden and when he was scourged at the pillar. Then Teresa could see that Jesus wanted our companionship and she knew that the Lord would welcome her and never desire to send her away. These are good scenes for all of us to remember and to meditate upon.

Prayer and the Virtues - The purpose of prayer, in the mind of Teresa, is not just to bring about nice and consoling feelings. Prayer, according to her experience and way of thinking, must do more --it must bring about the practice of the virtues in our lives.

When I meditate on the Gospel and consider the ways that I have offended the Lord, the result should be that I resolve to practice the virtues that will be pleasing to my dearest friend, Christ. I may see that I have not been nearly grateful enough for all that the Lord has done for me, and hence I must practice gratitude more and more. Or it may be that I am aware of the love that Christ has for me and for all mankind, and now I see that I must love my neighbor as Christ has loved me and as Christ has commanded me to love all others.

Just Look at Him - One of the favorite expressions of Teresa in the context of prayer is to remind us that if we do not know what to say to Our Lord in prayer, all we have to do is “to look at Him.” It reminds us of the Psalms when we ask God to gaze upon us, or let His divine countenance shine upon us. And we are asking that we can gaze upon the face of the Lord for all eternity. It is love that will make us gaze upon the Lord. What does it mean to gaze upon His face? Gazing means to look with eagerness and studious attention; it implies fixed and wondrous attention, almost meaning that we are so enthralled that our mouths are left wide open with amazement. The wondrous attention that we feel is a sign that we are gazing lovingly upon the face of Christ and upon the scenes of the Gospel.' I think this is just what Teresa is saying to us about prayer.

His Loving Eyes Are Upon Us - Again and again, Teresa comes back to this ideal that the loving eyes of Christ are always upon us. Because of this, Teresa has much peace and joy, and feels confident and courageous. The loving eyes of her Lord give her more life, more joy, and make life fully alive and beautiful. In prayer, Teresa merely wants to respond to the loving gaze of Jesus and allow His love to fill her with new levels and depths of love.

The greatest thing in the world is not to be able to love God, but to know that we are loved by Him. This is the miracle, the thrill of it all. “God so loved us that He sent His only Son for our salvation.” And the Son so loved us that He willingly laid down His life for us and with the Father sent the Holy Spirit to dwell in our souls. Truly, in this way, the loving gaze of the Lord is upon us.

How to Meditate on the Love of Christ - In the Way of Perfection, Teresa several times tells us what mental prayer is all about. For her it means to think of how much God loves you, how little you deserve this love, but how much He suffered for you. When you think in this way of the person of Christ, then you are surely engaging in mental prayer. Let these thoughts melt and break your heart, she often tells us.

Remember that for Teresa, prayer does not consist in thinking much, reflecting much, but it consists in loving much. When these thoughts about His love for you, your unworthiness, and the many things He suffered for you, when these reflections lead you to love the Lord more, when they make you want to serve Him more and sacrifice yourself for Him, then you are praying in the sense that Teresa is describing.

I must always keep in mind that ideas are cheap. It is not difficult to think out new and deep ideas. Anyone can do that. But love is different, then I must commit myself, then I must be prepared to lay down my life for the Lord if the occasion were to present itself.

The Power of Prayer - Since you are only aspiring at this point to enter the secular Order of Carmel, you are asking yourselves, no doubt, what is the reason that Teresa insisted so much on prayer? You are also asking yourselves, how can prayer save the world? How can it make it better?

These are good questions. And Teresa would remind us that there is only so much we can do in this world. We cannot enter every cause, even if we wanted to. But all we need to do is to look at the Lord praying for Saint Peter, and praying also for all of His apostles. And we can see that if our prayer life is united with Christ, if it is suffused with His love, that it has the power to change the world. It is a very quiet apostolate, it does not make much noise, but we know that it is love that changes the world. And one of the ways of growing most rapidly in love is through the practice of prayer. In prayer we are one with Christ, we are filled with love. We put aside our egotism and selfishness and let ourselves be filled and guided by the love of the Lord. In union with Him, all prayer is valid and is heard. In fact it is heard because we are one with the Lord. Hence Popes have called the contemplative life, the life that seeks to enter more directly into the love of God, “the most universal and fruitful of all apostolates in the Church.” There is no surer way to the heart of God, and there is no more efficacious way of helping the Church and others.

Prayer Is Friendship With Christ - In the Life, Saint Teresa gave us a classic definition of prayer. She says that “prayer is nothing more or less than a friendly encounter with a God by whom we know we are loved” [Life, 8, 4-5]. But why does Teresa define prayer in this way and then never again give this definition? This is in the part of the Life in which Teresa is lamenting the time in her life when she gave up mental prayer. And then from her own experience, she exhorts her readers never to make such a mistake. She encourages us to pray regularly each day because prayer is taking Christ to be our Friend. And that is absolutely true. If you pray each day, you will be striving to make Christ your best friend, to allow His friendship to enrich your whole life.

But Teresa stresses that the essence of friendship is to make sure that our will is one with that of Christ. Bringing our wills into conformity with the will of Christ is the very essence of friendship. Once again, she assures us that prayer is not a practice to make us feel good, to give us spiritual comfort and consolation. But prayer is designed to make us draw closer to Christ, to bring our wills into conformity with His divine will.

Mary and Prayer - When Saint Teresa of Jesus and Saint John of the Cross begin to think of the perfect model of prayer, of whom do they think? The Blessed Virgin Mary, the perfect Christian and the perfect follower of Christ. When you strive to grow in prayer, she is the one to whom you must always look to follow the perfect model.

Carmelites have always done this. Hence in the OCDS Constitutions, 29, we read:

In the interior dynamism of following Jesus, Carmel contemplates Mary as Mother and Sister, as “the perfect model of the disciple of the Lord” and, as such, a model for the life of the members of the Order. The Virgin of the Magnificat proclaims the break with the old order and announces the beginning of a new order in which God casts the mighty down from their thrones and exalts the poor. Mary places herself on the side of the poor and proclaims how God acts in history. For Secular Carmelites, Mary is a model of total commitment to God’s Kingdom. She teaches us to listen to God’s Word in Scripture and in life, to believe in it in every circumstance in order to live its demands. All this she did, without understanding many things; pondering all in her heart (Lk 2:19, 50-51) until light dawned through contemplative prayer.

Taking Mary as our perfect model we are bound to succeed in our efforts to draw loser to Christ in prayer.

Never Give Up Prayer - If there is one point in the Teresa’s life that we can all identify with it is the period of her young adult life when she was confused about prayer. She had learned the secret of success in prayer, but after some time she felt she had too many faults and then she concluded that she ought not be a hypocrite any longer. So she gave up prayer for a while, until, by the grace of God, her confessor convinced her to take up this practice so necessary for the Christian life.

Teresa tells us that this was the worst mistake she ever made. She acknowledges that whenever she was faithful to prayer, all went well. Even if she did wrong, she quickly repented and began to make progress again. But the more she allowed herself to be deceived into giving up prayer, the more her spiritual life deteriorated. This is the great lesson that so many have to learn from Teresa. What would she tell you? What advice would she give you? She would say to you: “No matter what, never give up prayer. Keep on praying and you will soon come to the port of salvation.”

Teresa’s definition of prayer is classic in the annals of Christianity. Teresa tells us that “in my opinion, prayer is nothing more or less than a friendly conversation with the God by whom we know we are loved.” Whenever you are doing this, you are praying.

It is interesting that Teresa gave us this definition in the Life in a special context and for a special reason. Teresa gives us this special definition at the point in her life when she was returning to prayer and encouraging all others to do the same. She exhorts us to return to prayer if we have ever abandoned the practice. And her reason is clear, prayer is “taking Christ to be our friend.”

Giving up prayer, for her, is like giving up on making an effort to deepen our friendship and companionship with Christ. But above all, in her definition, she stresses that He first loved us, and that in prayer we are fundamentally responding to His love, trying to allow our hearts to be enflamed with His love.

I often think that by the experience of Teresa, I am always able to see clearly the importance of prayer. I try to identify with her, and I can see in my own life (as I am sure you can see in your life) that when I am faithful to prayer, all goes well. As usual, Teresa is right. “The chief mischief,” she goes on to say, “consists in taking our eyes off of Christ.” In prayer we show that we appreciate the eyes of Christ that express His love for us, and we in turn keep our eyes fixed on the one who loves us. We try to bring our hearts and minds into harmony with Him, and this is the very essence of friendship with Christ.

It doesn’t take much imagination to be convinced that this world could be a better world, and that many of its problems could be greatly reduced if we all did one thing--if we were faithful to prayer, if in the words of Teresa, “we took Christ to be our friend”. Soon the world would be filled with more peace and love and joy. May Teresa obtain for us the grace to be faithful to this practice.

Michael D. Griffin OCD

Discussion points for St. Teresa and the Vocation to a Life of Prayer:

What is St. Teresa’s message?

Why did Pope Paul VI think this is especially valuable during our time?

What is Teresa’s famous definition of mental prayer? How have you experienced this in your own prayer life?

What is the proper atmosphere for prayer? Why does this help? Why does reading the Gospel aid meditation?

What does Teresa mean when she says “The purpose of prayer is not to think much, but to love much?”

What were Teresa’s favorite scenes to meditate on?

Why did Teresa insist on prayer? What place do Mary and Joseph have in Carmel?

What does Teresa teach us about giving up prayer?

Secularity and the Lay Carmelite

In the last chapter we were looking at the specifically spiritual dimensions of the life of the lay Carmelite. Perhaps we seemed to have left behind the ordinary things of the world and the ordinary cares and problems that weigh so heavily upon mankind. But, of course, the impression is readily cured when we look at the more practical aspects of life, and that is exactly what we plan to do in this chapter.

The true measure of holiness is often best found in the ordinary aspects of a saint’s life. It is safe to say that most people seem to admire many of the simple aspects of Saint Teresa of Jesus. The Saint of Avila had her head in the heavens, but her feet were planted squarely on this earth. Thus she does not appear to be unreal, but rather the kind of person who understood and lived the same kind of life that everyone else on this planet must live. Only such a saint could tell us that “God moves among the pots and pans.”

How different are the ideas of many who think that being religious or devout means being exempt from the duties demanded of all. Their ideas are somewhat like those described by one of the Cardinals at the Second Vatican Council. He said “for many of them, being a Christian consists in living in the Church as deluxe passengers on a cruise ship, without any other concern than keeping well and getting the most benefit to their health. Their Christianity becomes a ‘comfortable’ one that is held only as a tradition and as a kind of inheritance.” The Second Vatican Council vigorously reacted against such a mentality as being opposed to the strong roots of Divine Revelation.

Ordinary Things of Life - Experience shows that when people want to make progress they immediately elevate their expectations, wanting to think of a form of life that is anything but ordinary. In fact they become oblivious to the simple duties and obligations of life. Nothing is more pleasing than such a vision. But in reality this vision is not true to life; it is only part of the truth. Carried to its extreme it can make one lose the common touch and ultimately become untrue to life itself.

Hence I want to raise some issues that need to be faced and seriously discussed before you consider taking the step of entering the Carmelite Order as one of its secular members. The main issue that needs to be honestly faced is the matter of secularity and your life, or we can term it the “secular” dimensions of your life. It is helpful to keep in mind that the goal of entering the Carmelite Order as a secular member is not to become a mini-monk or a semi-nun. Quite simply, you are to remain who you are, and you are not to seek to evade your responsibilities and duties of life. Actually one ought to enter an order so that one can better fulfill one’s obligations and duties, not to flee or be liberated from them.

From the outset it would be a serious mistake to be seeking a false identity. Thomas Merton, the American Trappist, warns those who seek a false identity that they are seeking a way of life wherein they will not even be recognized by God Himself, because God did not call them to such a life. But in embracing all the dimensions of your life, you will be able “to grow in wisdom and grace before God and man.”

A Word About Secularity and Secularism - When one comes to a religious order, even in the sucular branch of the order, it must be evident that God does not want just a part of your life, but that God wants the entirety of your life, your complete life. He does not seek your heart only when you pray or attend devotional exercises. He seeks your whole life, for He wants to give Himself entirely and without reservation to you.

Immediately we notice that the word “secular” is a very ambiguous word and needs to be clarified. “Secular” has reference to the present world and the present conditions of the world. In this sense we find the word acceptable. But the problem arises when we try to determine when God is being left out of the picture and when God is being excluded from the lives of men and women.

Thus the word “secularism” has been defined as “the separation of God from His creation and the denial of His presence in the world, if not His existence. The secular city is the world of men and things moving on without Him, doing without religion. Secularism as a world view and as a way of life denies the immanence of God and His existence as well as man’s religious nature. Secularism denies both the hidden presence and action of God and the cosmic or world influence of Christ. This leads to desacralization and denies two basic truths of the Christian faith: the Creation and the Incarnation. It is secularism that the Church roundly condemns.

Not to be confused with secularism is secularity. Quite simply secularity stresses the benefits of the secularization of many areas of human life. This is now almost universally recognized in all civilized countries. Religious secularity considers such an outlook to be compatible with faith in God, and Christian secularity finds it favorable to the message of the Gospel.

The Second Vatican Council endorses such a view when it fully recognizes that the secular dimensions of life have their own autonomy. These are the words of the Council: “If by the autonomy of earthly affairs we mean that created things and societies enjoy their own laws and values which must be gradually deciphered, put to use, and regulated by men, then it is entirely right to demand that autonomy. Such is not merely required by modern man, but harmonizes also with the will of the Creator.” (The Church in the Modern World, #36).

Experience shows that it is not good to have people who want to be “too” spiritual, for that often means they are getting away from the natural and ordinary things of life, and much of the beauty and charm of life comes from a proper appreciation of the simple things. Those who try to escape or bypass these things turn out to be flat, a little aloof, and even a bit boring. Sometimes, in an extreme case, nature can take its revenge and the person may even display sourness of disposition. At any rate, he or she will not reflect the joy of God the Creator and Redeemer.

The Gospels and Simple Virtues - When I go to the Gospels, how refreshing it is to contemplate some small but important virtues in the life of Jesus. For example, when the Lord celebrated the Last Supper with His apostles, it is evident that one of the apostles was to perform the simple service of washing the Lord’s feet as well as the feet of the other apostles. This service was rendered at such a gathering. But the Lord, noticing that no one else had done this, takes it upon Himself to wash and kiss the feet of His apostles. And how many times the Lord takes time out to listen to the cares and problems of His apostles. He was always at their beck and call. He did not think such humble services beneath His dignity.

Or again, how beautiful it is to think of Mary, the Mother of my Lord. She was overshadowed by the Holy Spirit of God and becomes the Mother of the Lord. And the Scriptures tell us that “immediately” she goes in haste to visit her cousin who was soon to bear a child. One might think that in becoming the mother of the Lord she would expect people to wait on her hand and foot. Certainly, it would appear that Elizabeth should be forced to visit Mary. But so sensitive was Mary to the need and possibility of helping her cousin that she hastened to visit her.

The Saints - I often marvel that the canonized saints apparently could have been stricter with themselves, could have practiced greater austerities. This is a theoretical opinion, of course. But we see that they were led by the grace of God to practice virtues in a very simple but attractive way, a way that deeply touches our hearts.

Saint Thomas More is a good example of this. He did live a comfortable life, he did provide amply for the needs of his family. And he loved to be with them, and in his letters to his children it is marvelous to see how he allows them to banter with him, not keeping aloof from them or trying to lord it over them. So gentle was he that when he went to the scaffold, he went with a smile and even asked the executioner to spare his beard as it never did anything to anyone.

Saint John Kemble, one of the martyrs of England and Wales canonized a few years back, shows us a priest who was eighty years old when he was led to the gallows. He was a diocesan priest, not a monk or a member of a religious order. Truly he was loved by all because of his gentleness. When asked if he had one final request before his execution he asked for a small glass of sherry and a pipe full of tobacco.

The lessons of the Scriptures and those we learn from the lives of the saints are precious teachings to us, and they remind us that all aspects of our lives are important. Strictness, aloofness from others, these are not the principal elements of holiness. Holiness is doing all things, and especially the small and ordinary things, for the love of God and with our hearts filled with His love.

Practical Issues to Be Faced - If I were thinking of becoming a member of the secular branch of the Discalced Carmelites, I think there would be many practical problems in the area of secularity and my ordinary life that I would have to face. The following are but a few:

1. What does my family think of this move on my part?

A move such as that of entering a religious order can easily cause uneasiness on the part of spouse or children. And I would not want to lightly take it for granted that they will understand and not mind. Hence this matter should be discussed with them. This is a general rule, perhaps there might be exceptions, but I would not think they should lightly be omitted.

One should keep in mind that previously all the members of the secular branch of the Order took vows. But the Order decided that the word “vows” seemed to be too monastic and hence capable of being misinterpreted. The Order did not think that it was previously harmful for the members to make vows, but it thought that at the present time, it would be better for all to make promises and only after three years of living their Definitive promise can they make vows. I think this move is reassuring to some of the members of the family and hence very helpful.

When one is contemplating this vocation, it is easy to be filled with enthusiasm for the recently found graces of this vocation, but in charity you must consider the feelings as well as the rights of the other members of the family. Hence their consent should ordinarily be sought.

For example if I was a married man and my wife came home to tell me that she was to enter a secular Carmelite Community, I am sure that I would have many questions. I might easily wonder exactly what she had in mind. I could reasonably wonder if she were “renegotiating the marriage contract,” perhaps making restrictions on what she promised on our wedding day. And I am sure the children would have questions about this matter.

I think we are dealing with a situation that is somewhat parallel with that of the married deacons. It is my understanding that when they are in training, they must get the consent of their spouse to be ordained deacon. And with great reason, for the Sacred Orders that they are to receive cannot interfere with their primary obligations and duties to their wives and families.

2. Time for my family

If one decides to enter the secular branch of the Order, there is a question of the time that I must give to my family. Does it follow that if I decide to go to Mass each day I will not be available to make breakfast for the family? Is my own sanctification so important that I can neglect my own family? There may be ways of working out an agreement so the family will consent and not feel neglected. But this issue should be faced before taking joining the Secular Order and making promises in the Order.

3. A stricter way of life

As I enthusiastically plan to embrace the task of possibly fasting on certain days or of practicing poverty according to the, Constitutions I must be careful not to put any burdens on my family. If I want to fast, I must not force them or try to get them to do the same.

4. Will I be the “better than thou” member of the family? stricter way of life 

It is always possible that I may have one thing in mind, but it is perceived quite differently by my family. I may think it is a wonderful idea to enter more fully on a spiritual journey, but I must be careful that I do not hurt my family. I must discern the issue with circumspection so that I do not merely aspire to achieve a moral superiority over the rest of the family.

A Good General Rule - If you feel called by God to enter the Order of Carmel as one of its secular members, that is a wonderful grace. But this grace must be handled very gently. If it is, you will do more good for your family, but if you do not go about this in the right way, you may alienate your family’s respect and love.

Hence a good rule to follow is this: I must be determined that in entering the Order of Carmel, I want to live this life in such a way that I will be able to strengthen my ties with the members of my family. As is brought out in the Gospel, I want to be able to love them more and serve them more generously. I must keep asking God for the grace to pray for my family, not as if I assume that I am the superior one in the family, but so God will give me the grace of being more Christ like toward them, by growing in love and service.

Finally, I would not like my vocation in Carmel to disrupt the love and harmony that is central to my married life and to my family. Hence this must be thought out carefully, and an agreement reached that respects the wishes and feelings of all. If I want to join a Carmelite Community that takes a good part of one Sunday per month for its meeting, I want to make sure that my family does not feel left out or neglected. And if I want to pray each day, do my spiritual reading or recite the Liturgy of the Hours, can I do this in such a way that I will not grow apart from my loved ones? After all, these are responsibilities that I embraced with the graces of the Sacrament of Matrimony, and I cannot fail to honor these commitments.

If you sincerely are seeking God’s will and if God is truly giving you a vocation, be sure that these things can be solved. But you cannot just take them for granted; instead, you must work through them. This may be inconvenient, but it can only make your vocation stronger.

The Documents of Vatican II - If you are looking for more information and discussion on the point of secularity, you can find a wealth of information in the documents of the Second Vatican Council. Look at the chapter on the laity in the Dogmatic Constitution on the Church, and you will also find much enlightenment in the Pastoral Constitution on the Church in the Modern World. And, of course, the decree on The Apostolate of the Laity will provide plenty of inspiration.

The Council had in mind that we must consecrate all dimensions of our life to Christ and the aims of His divine Kingdom on earth. This means that we must use all the time and talents that God has given us. It also means that we must constantly be seeking to grow in our skills and talents so that we can be effective instruments in His hands.

Michael D. Griffin OCD

Discussion points for Secularity and the Lay Carmelite:

What is deceptive about making progress by raising expectations?

What is false identity?

What are secularity and secularism?

Give several examples of everyday virtues in the Gospel lives of Jesus and Mary.

Do you believe that love, not strictness, is the essence of perfection? Which is harder to practice?

The Christian Decision-Making Process

Experience shows that decision making is a difficult matter. It reminds me of an old cartoon of a man who is speaking with his psychiatrist and saying: "Life would not be difficult if it were not for the need to make so many decisions." We laugh at such humorous insights, but we all know that there is a grain of truth in the matter.

Perhaps I can illustrate the Christian decision-making process for you as it was done by a woman who was about to join the secular branch of the Order some time ago.

She had to be out of town a good deal during that year because of her work. And on one occasion, she wrote me the following letter trying to arrive at a decision she would be comfortable with. The letter read, in part:

Dear Father Michael,

The last time I spoke with you about my vocation, I thought all my problems were solved. It seemed that all I had to do was to be ready for the ceremony at the next meeting of the Secular Order of Carmel. But now I find that I have run into a number of problems and I have become a little bit discouraged.

I think the problem can be stated in a few words by saying that my husband is upset with my decision to enter the Secular Order and my youngest daughter is not as close to me as she formerly was. Perhaps it is all due to the fact that this has been a hectic year and I am forced to go on many more trips for the company I work for. But, at any rate, after this trip I will not need to travel again for some time and thus I will be able to be with the family more. Incidentally, we begin our family vacation in a week.

Since I will only be in town for a day before going on vacation, I just hope that I can come to see you about these matters so that I can come to some kind of decision, if possible, before the next meeting.

Sincerely,

MCV

The Meeting - When Marie returned from her trip, she came to see me and we went over the problem more carefully. But one thing was immediately clear: she wanted to do something about her problem, she did not merely want to discuss it for the sake of getting sympathy. This was an excellent beginning. In the following paragraphs, I will go over a few of the things that were touched on in the meeting and how she proceeded to make her decision.

Vocations Baffle Others - After listening to her problem, I told her that I felt I understood a little on the basis of my own experience. I told her that when I was very young I decided to go away to the seminary to begin studying for the priesthood. When I first began to think seriously about my vocation, I was naturally enthralled with the prospect. I often went over in my own mind the goal I was reaching for and the good that I thought I could do in the future. And each time I thought of my vocation, the thought became more thrilling.

Some time passed and when I thought the right moment had come, I discussed the matter with my parents. I was surprised that they did not immediately share all my enthusiasm. In a reasonably short space of time, they did agree to let me go away to the seminary. Naturally, I was a bit puzzled by all this - as was many a young man - that it takes parents time to come around to the idea of a vocation to the priesthood.

Actually, it is not as surprising as one might think. After all, when one receives a vocation one thinks about it a long time, prays over the situation and in this way removes all obstacles that may stand in the way. And only afterward do we share these ideas with others. They are dumbfounded because they did not have any warning. Let us remember that it takes time for them to think this through for themselves. This is only natural. We also see the same thing in families when a couple announces their intention to get married. Isn't it true that they are often stunned that their announcement does not meet with immediate approval? Later, when they have worked through the process of winning the approval of their parents, they discover that it takes a bit of time and a good deal of effort before all is successful.

Yes, vocations may fill those who have them with a great deal of light and joy, but the same vocation may seem strange and baffling to others when the idea is first presented. So, my advice to you is to be patient, and all will turn out all right, if it is the will of God.

Why? Why? - As we try to convince others of our vocation, especially our own family, it may happen that we will become a bit frustrated if they do not immediately offer us their sympathy and approval. We may find ourselves saying: "Why can't I do this when I think it is the right thing for me to do?" Or, "Why can't I do something spiritual, something that I feel is important to me?"

Did you ever notice that in a state of frustration we use arguments of that sort? But it is important to note that "why" questions are generally self-centered questions. They may be the way you feel, but questions of this sort frustrate and anger others in times of tension and stress. It is much better to keep away from them and just try to show that your decision can be in everybody’s best interest. After all, in stress they are thinking of their interest, and this is only natural, hence it is no time for you to present your case and show only what is in it for you. The Gospel is right in telling us to “be as wise as doves but as prudent as serpents.”

How to Handle Stress - Some time back I had to conduct a course that was titled “How to Handle Stress.” It was given at the Adult Education Program of the Catholic University of America. It was not the greatest course ever given, but the students found it helpful in many ways. Some took the course because they faced a great deal of stress in their jobs, another lady found that it was stressful for her to drive to work on the Beltway each morning and evening, and there was a man who did not like to speak out at business meetings, but had an important job for an international agency for feeding the poor of the world. Common to all these problems was a need to have a better understanding of what was causing the stress in their lives. They were able eventually to solve their problems (only you can solve your problems, a teacher can only offer guidelines and encouragement) when they were able to do three things:

(1) First, they had to learn to identify the cause of their problem, thus obtaining a better understanding of what was causing so much stress in their lives.

(2) And secondly, they had to identify the emotions that were underlying their situation and causing so much anguish. For example, if one finds a job very stressful, it is also necessary, even more important, to know what kinds of feelings are being experienced. Are you getting angry? feeling frustrated? becoming quarrelsome with fellow workers? What precise feelings do you experience and why are those feelings so discomfiting to you?

(3) And finally, it is important to see the larger picture of your lives and why it is important to learn to reduce the stress and learn how to live with those unpleasant feelings. Thus the man who found it difficult to speak up in meetings eventually learned that if he did not do this it could easily be interpreted as lack of interest or even hostility. This, in turn, could prevent him from utilizing his great talents and being given promotions in his job.

Decision-Making for the Carmelite - The Carmelite aspirant whose letter I quoted above was a good example of one who truly wanted to make an intelligent decision. I told her that her letter showed that she wanted to take charge of her life and that she had done something important. She had gotten down on a piece of paper what she thought was the essence of her problem and where she experienced a conflict in her home life. Just doing this much put her on the road to an early solution to her problem.

But then I told her that it would be a good idea for her to try to identify the emotions and the feelings that she experienced. Furthermore, it would be a good idea for her to identify the exact emotions and feelings of her husband and children. It is not enough to say “they are upset” or “they don't like the idea.” This may be true, but we do not know exactly what these statements mean. And if you do not know exactly what they mean, you are not in a position to solve your problem. This lack of clarity can only complicate your situation further. The woman agreed to try to identify the feelings and emotions her husband and children were expressing.

Next the woman agreed to the need to take a look at the wider picture of her life. Many times when we experience conflict, we can get bogged down. We may even overlook the wider issues of life, the more important issues. Thus for this woman, her love of God, her deep attachment to her faith and her belief in her vocation to the secular branch of the Order of Our Lady of Mount Carmel were important interests to her. And, of course, her love for her husband and her children was of paramount importance. This was the wider picture of her conflict, and it was precisely because she had such deep love for all these that she found herself in an emotional bind. It is not unusual when there is such high and intense love and dedication that there can easily be conflicts and tension. But I also stressed that these problems are more easily solved, because there is more love and good will.

The Way of Life - One of the great features of being a member of the Secular Branch of Carmel is that the Order provides you with a way of life. Experience proves that many people go through life without any direction or aim. Hence, while many want to live a spiritual life, their lives lack shape and form. There is no organization. Hence they find themselves going nowhere. But secular Carmelites do not have that complaint because their way of life is comprehensive and specific. Secular Carmelites tell me that the more they understand of their way of life the more they love it.

Stress Because of Good Things! - We instinctively feel that stress comes in life only when things are going wrong. Am I right in surmising that this is how most people feel? The fact of the matter is that good things can sometimes cause us more stress than unpleasant things. If someone is contemplating a marriage, this can be very stressful. Or if a young couple is having their first baby, this is a great blessing to them, but it can be most stressful. So it is not true that only bad things cause stress.

Do you remember when we said that when you experience God calling you to Carmel you are filled with joy and delight? This is good, but it is the goodness of your vocation that can also be the occasion of misunderstandings on the part of others.

What Do the Rule of St. Albert, the Constitutions and the Statues Say? - If I were a married man or woman and my spouse announced love for and intentions to enter a secular Carmelite fraternity, I am sure that he or she would not find it all crystal clear as to what he or she was up to. And most spouses would feel the same way, unless they were totally indifferent to the matter. I am stressing here that serious misunderstandings can be entertained by the husband, wife or family.

One might wonder what this evangelical life is all about. Does it mean that the husband or wife will have a different understanding of any type of conjugal intimacy as a result of this step she is contemplating? Does poverty mean that he or she will adopt a totally new life style? Will he or she be more interested in his or her new group than he or she is in his or her own family? These are real questions; this is not just a make-believe situation. They must be faced with good will.

We Must Deal With Our Problems - Problems do not just go away. We must do something about them. I remember going to Father Kenneth OCD one day with a problem I had in my ministry. I said the situation was unpleasant, but that I was doing my best and coping with the problem. He told me "Remember there is a difference between coping with a problem and dealing with a problem." If you cope with your problem, you may be doing the right thing or the wrong thing. For example, if a lady is having problems with an older son at home, she may cope with her problem by arguing with the boy, or she may choose to ignore his activity altogether. Neither solution may be helpful, but she is coping with her problem.

On the other hand, if she wants to deal with her problem, then she will seek an appropriate solution. She will not ignore it, or just hope that it will solve itself. No, she will face up to the problem and its meaning, and not give up until she has found the correct solution that serves the interests of all concerned.

Give Reassurance - I told Marie not to be surprised if her husband and children come back again and again regarding this matter. You may think that it is enough to speak with them once, but it can easily happen that from time to time they will want to discuss the matter further.

It must be understood that it would be advisable to give your husband or wife as much information concerning the Carmelite Secular Order as possible.

In all probability he or she is still feeling uneasy, anxious or disturbed about the matter. Thus he or she is in need of reassurance. More than anything else he or she need to be told that the new step one is taking is not going to interfere with the marriage nor does it signify that one will become so engrossed in this Carmelite vocation that one will neglect him, her or the home.

You may put his mind at ease by going a step further. You can tell him or her how much your marriage means to you and hence invite him or her to let you know if at any time your Carmelite vocation appears to him or her as a threat to the marriage or your home. You may say to him or her: “I have thought this over carefully and I am taking this step with the determination of making sure that it does not interfere with our marriage. In fact, if anything I am determined that it will strengthen rather than interfere with our marriage." Then you may continue, saying: "I really would appreciate it if you would feel perfectly free at any time to tell me whenever you notice that I am neglecting the home in any way because of my Carmelite vocation. And I want to stress that I really mean this, because my marriage and my home are everything to me.” Reassurance of this type is exactly what your husband, wife or children are seeking.

Assume the Responsibility - In the case of such a problem at home, always remember that you must assume the responsibility. It is basically your problem - just because you are contemplating a step that you intend to be for the greater honor and glory of God does not mean that all others are to ignore this move or not to do anything about it. The candidate must assume the responsibility of dealing with the problems that arise. This may be a bit burdensome, but it most surely will strengthen your vocation. It will not weaken it. I am thinking at this point that often it happens that many marriages fall apart and many homes dissolve because no one wants to deal with the situation. Many a man could have saved his home and marriage if he had chosen to deal with and was willing to work through the problem occasioned by his love for his job and career. Often such a husband will not face up to the damaging effects his job and career are working on his marriage. He cannot just assume that his wife and children must put up with the situation and be glad that he is paying all the bills. He must do more than that. He must take into account the needs of all in the family. If he chooses to truly assume responsibility, he can work it out that all will feel reasonably satisfied.

Christian Decision-Making - Up to this point, we have been going over the basic elements for making a decision. Now we come to the most important part-the question of what really makes a decision a Christian decision?

If you are seeking to be united with Christ and do all together with Him, then you will be choosing only what fulfills this purpose. This is what I mean by a Christian decision. Hence, Marie, if you first of all unite yourself with Christ consciously before speaking with your husband wife or children and ask for the grace of engaging in this discussion only to please your Lord, you are on the right track. But also remember to unite your husband, wife or your children to the Lord so that they will receive the light and love of the Lord and the reassurance they seek.

This may be the point that is most overlooked. People often pray that they themselves may have the strength and the confidence that they need, but they forget to pray for the other persons involved. But when we do pray for them, it is amazing how much freer we feel, how much more willing to work for the best interests of others. If we don't do this, not only are we not making a full Christian decision, but we are locking ourselves into a situation where we will primarily be seeking our own good, and only our own good.

A Demanding Process - As you can see, this whole process is a long one, and it can be very demanding in terms of time and patience. But the important point is that it works. You truly seek the honor and glory of God in this way, you take care of your own true needs, and you honestly seek the needs of all others.

These are the steps that need to be followed in this crisis of life, but the same steps are to be followed in all life situations. Unfortunately, more people never make any Christian decisions of this sort. Hence they do not integrate many of their situations into their Christian life.

If you have trouble in your own life in convincing your husband or family, it can well be that you are going through the trial-and it is a real trial-that will enable you to make sure that all your decisions are truly made in a spiritual way. The work may be great, but the rewards will be even greater.

My Carmelite Background - I know what is on your mind, Marie. I know you are asking yourself just why I am so sure of myself. You want to know what makes me so confident.

The secret is to be found in my Carmelite background. My life in the Order of Carmel has taught me many things, chief among them that all that I do I want to do in union with Mary, the Virgin and Mother of Carmel. Instinctively I go to her, also to Saint Joseph and the saints of the order. You see, we have a tradition of not only praying to them for our needs, but even more of praying with them in all that we do. That must account for my confidence and assurance. And the longer you are in the Order, you will see yourself doing this instinctively and you will not only feel assured yourself, but you will bring loving assurance to others.

Conclusion - Marie, I am very conscious that we are running out of time. But before we conclude this, it might be well to quickly and briefly summarize all that we have said. Let's put it this way:

1. First of all, when God gives you a vocation, there are also initially problems that accompany it. Mary herself had a problem of convincing Saint Joseph. She had to be patient; she had to wait; she had to trust in God for help.

2. Getting your problem down on paper can be most helpful. In that way you can see your own problem, the feelings this is eliciting in you, and you can also take time to clarify your thinking about the problems and feelings that are disturbing the other members of the family. As I said, you received the calling from God first, hence you were given an opportunity of working through your own thoughts and feelings. Now you must give others equal time and equal opportunity to work through conflicting and disquieting feelings.

3. Always remember not to lose sight of the larger picture. In your case, the larger picture includes the honor and glory of God, and your own personal needs as well as the needs of the other members of the family. You must pray that you will be true to all these concerns. Then you will not be talking at them but will be lovingly discussing the matter with them. It will be loving dialogue, not anxious monologue.

4. Make sure you are willing to work through and work out your problem in a truly Christian way. The Christian decision-making process may take time and effort, but it assures fairness and charity toward all: to God, to self, and to family. But it is a Christian decision process when you first of all unite yourself to God and ask for His help, and then intend to remain united with Him and also wish to unite the others to the light and love that the Lord alone can give. After that, be sure that you will say the right thing. When you are lovingly united with Christ and when you lovingly unite others with Him, you will deal with the matter in a way that reflects the love of Christ. You cannot fail. Trust me.

I see that the hour is up. I will be praying with you, Marie, that all goes well. If you do as so many Christians have done before you, you can be sure that all will go well. As I said, my years in the Order have convinced me that if you also ask Mary and Joseph and the saints of the Order to pray with you, you will see that this trust is not disappointed.

Michael D. Griffin OCD



Discussion points for the Christian Decision-Making Process:

What are the three steps recommended for handling stress?

What are some common emotions involved in the decision to become a Carmelite?

How would living the Rule of Life change my daily life with my family?

What is my attitude about this? Am I open to the will of God? open to my family? hostile? defensive? superior?

How much do I pray? Am I faithful to prayer? Have I put all of this into the heart of Jesus?

Am I including Mary and Joseph and the saints of the Order in the solution?